3 things pastors should know about grief

Years ago, I interviewed a newly widowed woman for our grief ministry program. I gently asked her how she lost her husband. She answered me bluntly, “You don’t lose a husband — you lose your keys.”

I was reminded right then that her tragedy was indescribable. She was — quite understandably — in a tremendously sensitive state, and nothing I could say in that moment could make it better.

Pastors might know what I’m talking about, because they have almost certainly been struck speechless in these cases. They feel helpless in the time of someone’s greatest need. They want to help, but don’t know what to do.

Through over 20 years of listening to grieving people as we created and updated four successive versions of GriefShare, I’ve observed specific characteristics of grief that pastors can acquaint themselves with to serve their congregations more effectively.

First, the grieving process is anything but linear. We often talk of the “five stages of grief” as something people progress through, but those stages were introduced by psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross to describe the emotions of patients who received a terminal diagnosis, not the shock of losing a parent or spouse.

Rather, grief can ebb and flow and appear unexpectedly. Grief therapist H. Norman Wright explains that grief can intensify at the three-month mark of a loved one’s death or at the one-year anniversary, on holidays or important anniversaries.

Grief often features a cascading ambush of several emotions all at once, triggered by memories or milestones. It can be disorienting and terrifying. Our GriefShare workbook lists more than 150 common emotions and responses associated with grieving a death.

Secondly, grief doesn’t get better with time, at least not right away. In fact, the second year after a loss can be worse than the first.

After a communal outpouring of support at a funeral, the initial fog of grief lifts and the silent, awful ache of loss might really begin. Grieving people endure an annual cycle of holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays without a spouse, sibling, or parent, and now know this will be the case for the rest of their life.

Their friends and neighbors might have stopped checking in on them because they assume they’re getting better with time. It’s all the more reason for pastors to schedule specific times to follow up with a grieving person two or even three years after their loss.

Third, others I interviewed for our ministry were shocked by how challenging their grief experiences were despite the fact that they had strong faith.

You can accompany them by helping them understand that believers grieve not only as God’s people, but also as burdened and imperfect people. So, while as Christ followers, we have access to God’s promises, we’re still not immune to other burdens and temptations that make grief challenging.

Mundane problems such as financial stress or stress-induced health issues might arise. Conflicts with family members about end-of-life decisions and estate issues, or negotiating with insurance companies can make the already difficult experience of grief even more challenging.  

Additionally, it can be tempting to self-medicate one’s pain by choosing objects or behaviors that are harmful or outside of God’s will. If pastors can accompany believers out of cycles of addiction or resentment, they can save them from self-destructive habits and will be all the more fulfilling their role as spiritual shepherds.

One way to do this is to help them to understand that while their grief is likely very acute and feels like it will never end, the intensity of their grief will dissipate over time. Connecting them with others who’ve navigated grief can give them hope and someone to lean on while their grief is most challenging.

Of course, pastors will never have the bandwidth to provide intensive care to every person in their congregation. That’s why it’s so important to establish faith-centered grief ministries where those who have received God’s comfort can, in turn, become vessels of His comfort to others.

This isn’t merely a practical strategy — it is part of God’s design. As 2 Corinthians 1:3–4 teaches, God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from Him.

We see this truth lived out constantly in grief ministry.

And because up to half of our participants are unchurched, these ministries don’t only bring healing to believers — they also open doors for the Gospel to reach people in profound seasons of need. Since this is how God intends His comfort to multiply, it is wise to create systems that make it easy for people to step into this role.

You never know how many people they may eventually help, because you first helped them.

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