My mother always said that, if humans were ever to go extinct, the next intelligent species to arise on this planet would be raccoons. It’s easy to see her point. Procyon lotor, the North American raccoon, is a singular critter. They are smart, adaptable, can live in a wide variety of environments, and have clever little hands that can pick locks and open sealed containers.
Back in the day, my parents contended with raccoons, mostly to keep them out of my Dad’s big steel can he kept bird seed in. Raccoons proved able to remove bungee cords holding the lid down, to unfasten hasps; Dad eventually actually had to chain and padlock the can’s lid down to prevent raccoon access.
Now we see another way in which raccoons may be on the path to more humanlike behavior, as in Virginia, a felonious masked bandit broke into a liquor store, drank himself into a state, and passed out in the bathroom.
The masked burglar broke into the closed Virginia liquor store early on Saturday and hit the bottom shelf, where the scotch and whisky were stored. The bandit was something of a nocturnal menace: bottles were smashed, a ceiling tile collapsed and alcohol pooled on the floor.
The suspect acted like an animal because, in fact, he’s a raccoon.
On Saturday morning, an employee at the Ashland, Virginia-area liquor store found the trash panda passed out on the bathroom floor at the end of his drunken escapade.
One person’s trash may be a raccoon’s treasure, but in this case, the trash panda in question seemed to want to skip up a few steps, species-wise, and emulate classical human behavior: Getting drunk and passing out. It’s a safe bet he didn’t raccoon with the hangover he’ll be suffering later.
Let’s hope he at least was smart enough to get into the good stuff, although something like a 15-year-old Glenlivet seems wasted on a five-pound trash panda.
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Here, check out the trail of rampage, as well as the passed-out critter:
The raccoon that got drunk as a skunk! Animal is found passed out in liquor store bathroom after breaking in and helping itself to scotch and whisky https://t.co/EP0qrVQbAS
— Daily Mail (@DailyMail) December 3, 2025
I’m not one to engage in trash talking, but if this raccoon wants to take on a more human role in the world, he might want to start with something other than leaning into a drinking problem. Of course, he could have made worse decisions; he could have taken a job shoveling manure, or even running for political office. Well, maybe not the latter. Even raccoons, after all, have some standards.
Fortunately, Rocky Raccoon here came out of his misadventure unscathed. Well, mostly.
“After a few hours of sleep and zero signs of injury (other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices), he was safely released back to the wild, hopefully having learned that breaking and entering is not the answer,” the (animal control) agency said.
For the raccoon, I recommend a couple of aspirin and a glass of water to help deal with that hangover. This is something I have some experience with.
This seems appropriate:
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