(LifeSiteNews) — Ron and Debra Zapka spent the first three decades of their marriage apart from the Lord, but He gently guided them back to the fullness of the Catholic faith.
The Zapkas were in disbelief to be asked to share their story at the Return to Tradition Women’s Conference at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church in Littleton, Colorado, and addressing the conference meant they had to face some very unpleasant truths about their life.
But both feel strongly that if even one soul can profit from hearing about their mistakes – a secular lifestyle and involvement with Zen Buddhism – and avoid them, they would be eternally grateful.
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Debra said although she was nervous about speaking at the event, she also had a sense of calm.
“I feel as though the Holy Ghost is asking me to tell our story,” she said.
The Catholic faith was a part of both Ron and Debra’s upbringing, but it wasn’t imparted enough to take hold.
They met during Ron’s first year at a secular engineering college in upstate New York.
He was 15, having been accepted into an accelerated high school program, and vulnerable to the world.
“I became all too open to accepting the misguided messages I was receiving from a world that was going through a cultural, sexual revolution at the time,” Ron said.
Debra was 14 and while Ron was just a year older, the fact he was in college made it seem as though he was older still. So, they did not date but became friends.
Debra stopped attending church around 18 years of age, because she thought at that point, she was mature enough to make her own decisions.
“I really had no relationship with God at the time and no understanding of the significance of the Mass,” she said. “In fact, it was very easy for me to leave my faith because I had no idea what I was leaving.”
Still, she had a strong sense of traditional morals and values, envisioned her future as being a housewife and mother, and she did not attend college, becoming a secretary right out of high school.
After two years at college, Ron turned 17 and accepted an appointment to the United States Air Force Academy, where he slowly drifted from his Catholic faith, focusing primarily on his grades. During his college years he had frequent questions and long discussions with friends about the meaning of life, doing lots of reading, looking for answers.
“It seems to me now looking back on the time that I was always looking for the truth but that I didn’t know exactly where to find it,” he said.
Ron was exposed to Zen Buddhism during an introduction to philosophy course in the Air Force Academy and became intrigued.
“I did continue to drift from my faith and by the time I graduated I was no longer attending Mass and no longer even would call myself a Catholic,” he said. “I was now focused on a flying career and material success with no thought of God or my eternal home.”
Ron and Debra stayed in touch, writing letters and seeing each other occasionally when Ron was home. Debra stopped praying to God at this time, and around age 20 she even questioned His existence.
“I had a pretty good job that I liked quite a bit, and I was enjoying life,” she said. “I really didn’t give much thought to serious questions.”
When she was 21, Ron graduated from pilot training and moved to New Jersey for his new assignment. They started dating and became serious in their relationship.
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“We loved each other very much, but had different ideas about marriage and family,” Debra said.
She wanted to be married and start a family while Ron was still focused on his career. This was a very difficult time, as their compatibility came into question.
“I didn’t understand the marriage was a part of God’s plan and didn’t see children as part of my future,” Ron said.
In the end, Ron asked Debra to marry him because he knew how important it was for her.
Similarly, Debra thought that, despite their differences on children, she was certain that she and Ron were meant to spend their lives together.
“I felt that my love for Ron was so deep that I was willing to give up being a mother,” she said, “I had no understanding of God’s command to be fruitful and multiply, and I never even considered His will in any of my decisions.”
Ron and Debra were married in a Unitarian church in 1980 when she was 23 and just before Ron turned 25.
“By God’s grace, we’ve always had a joyful, close, loving marriage,” Debra said. “It’s amazing to me now that God not only didn’t abandon us at this time, but He blessed us, even as we turned our backs from him.”
As time passed, Debra accepted the idea that they would never have children. She even began to think that having children would change their relationship and diminish the closeness that they had.
“From time to time, we did discuss the idea of having children,” she said, “but lacking a good foundation in the Catholic meaning of true marriage, we sadly decided against it.”
They decided that if Debra had become pregnant, they would welcome a child, and she would become a stay-at-home mother. Three years into their marriage, even though the couple had been contracepting, Debra thought she might be pregnant. So, when the results of an at-home pregnancy test came back negative, they were both a bit disappointed.
“I think God may have been trying to give us graces to see the truth,” she said. “But sadly, we did not change our thinking.”
Ron flew transport planes for about two years and became an instructor pilot. This meant a very challenging aviation environment, and Ron had two brushes with death.
“God was nowhere in my life,” he said. “Had God not given me the grace to salvage those two situations, it would have resulted in a hellish outcome for me.”
“Unfortunately,” Ron said, “I’m sorry to say those two close encounters with death did nothing to cause me to change my life.”
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Ron left the active-duty Air Force after about six and a half years and took a job as a commercial airline pilot. Three years later, Deborah became a flight attendant for the same company, Continental Airlines. They were able to fly many trips together. They had a happy marriage, good careers, and a very comfortable lifestyle.
“But I still had those nagging questions about the meaning of life, so I continued to read and discover more about Zen Buddhism and Eastern mysticism,” Ron said.
Ron found an active Zen temple with a certified Zen teacher in downtown Denver, where the Zapkas now lived. Zen is the meditative sect of Buddhism.
“The practice of Zen Buddhism appealed to me at the time because there were very few guidelines as to what to believe,” Debra said. “I was basically told if I meditated enough and applied myself earnestly, I can come to understand things for myself. And that sounded pretty good to me.”
The practice of meditation resonated with them, and they became more involved in the Zen center. They felt Zen Buddhism was grounding them and gave a sense of usefulness.
“Well, these are good results,” said Debra. “We now understand that without a relationship with God, these are feelings with no basis in ultimate truth.”
Ron and Debra came to see some important disparities between Zen Buddhism and Catholicism.
“In Catholicism, we know that we are totally dependent upon the grace of God and are asked to surrender ourselves totally to Him,” Ron said.
“In Zen Buddhism, we were always looking for a deeper and stronger experience,” he said. “In Catholicism, though, we’ve come to understand that we are invited to a deep and intimate relationship with our Lord. Our Lord is repeatedly calling to us and opening Himself up to us.”
As time went on the couple started to have doubts about Buddhism.
In 2002 they left the Zen center. They still had questions but didn’t make a serious effort to reinvestigate Christianity.
About three years later Ron and Debra flew with a co-pilot for a month, and at the end of the month Ron remarked to the co-pilot how kind, caring, and respectful he was in dealing with everyone. The gentleman humbly told Ron he was a Christian and trying to live his faith as best he could.
“Wow, that was eye opening, and honestly, very challenging to hear,” Ron said.
Ron mentioned he was interested in learning more about Christianity, and the man recommended some books. He and Debra started reading the books, but again, put this on the back burner. Over time, Ron became more convinced of the truth of Christianity, and then Debra too wanted to learn more. They had many discussions and slowly came to understand that Christianity was based on historical truth.
“And I remember one night lying in bed, and I was just hit with a thought: ‘Maybe God really does exist,’” Debra said. “This changes everything.”
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Ron knew they needed to somehow act on this new understanding. They started to church shop, attending some Catholic and some non-Catholic services, finally landing at a Catholic church near their home.
The couple then flew with another co-pilot who knew that they were investigating Catholicism. He and his wife are RCIA instructors (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults), and he answered many of Ron’s questions. The man then asked them to join him for Mass.
“I remember him telling us, ‘I love my faith,’” Debra said. “I had never heard anybody talk like that before. I wanted that, and I wanted that for Ron, too.”
Well, his understanding of the faith was still not complete. Ron said he had the growing conviction that the Catholic Church, founded by Jesus Christ, is in fact, the one true Church.
Ron knew that if he wanted to return to the Church, he would have to first receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
“The thought of returning to Confession after almost 40 years was very daunting,” he said.
Ron did an examination of conscience on and off for about three months.
“This in itself was a sad, humbling experience,” he shared.
Ron said had an understanding and comforting priest in Confession who did his best to put him at ease and welcome him back to the Church.
“Unburdening myself and expressing my sorrow to God through His priest in Confession, and then hearing the words, ‘Your sins are forgiven’ was both cleansing and uplifting. I felt that a huge weight, that I had no idea I had been carrying all these years, had been lifted from my shoulders.”
Ron and Debra would have to have their marriage recognized by the Church to be able to receive the Eucharist. Debra felt drawn back to the Church but wasn’t ready to commit at that time. She was willing to have their marriage convalidated for Ron’s sake and their priest allowed them to proceed.
They chose the 31st anniversary of their original civil marriage for the convalidation, several months away at the time. Debra continued to study the faith and as the convalidation date approached, she too was ready to return to the Church.
“After a lengthy examination of conscience, I then returned to the Sacrament of Reconciliation in order to receive the Eucharist,” she said.
Their marriage convalidation was emotional, joyful, and gave them relief. The couple would begin attending daily Mass.
Ron and Debra enrolled in the Denver Catholic Biblical School at the Archdiocese of Denver’s Lay Division of Saint John Vianney Theological Seminary.
“We began to discover the amazing treasure chest that is the Catholic faith,” Ron said.
Ron and Debra had many questions for their teacher in biblical school. They developed a friendship with the teacher and as the relationship grew, so did their teacher’s family. The teacher and his wife asked Ron and Debra to be their fourth child’s godparents.
“Our godson is almost six years old now, and we can’t imagine our lives without him and this family,” Debra said. “His parents are like a son and daughter to us.”
Ron is also their oldest son’s Confirmation sponsor, and Debra is their daughter’s Confirmation sponsor.
That they have this family relationship is an exceptional blessing for Ron and Debra after choosing during their marriage not to have a family.
“We’re both surprised and honored by this blessing,” Debra said. “The children, there are five now, call us Nana and Papa. And we have this beautiful family that we are a part of.”
Not only have Ron and Debra been able to hold their godson as a baby in the hospital, but they have also given piggie back rides and played games, they change the occasional diaper, read stories, and say bedtime prayers with the children.
“But having the opportunity to see them grow and mature brings home to me that this is such a beautiful and natural part of God’s plan,” Ron said. “I try to help them grow in their faith and in their love of our Lord. And I myself am being called to maturity in my faith and somehow try to mirror God’s infinite and perfect love to them.”
“It’s now very hard for me to believe that I said no to children for all of those years,” Debra said. “I will be forever grateful to God for giving us this family.”
After 35 years of marriage and little prayer life to speak of, Ron and Debra started trying to pray together during biblical school.
“We persevered by God’s grace, and now prayer has become a beautiful and intimate part of our marriage,” Debra said.
Ron said he believes he and Debra have both grown closer to God and to each other by spending time in prayer together.
Their prayer life includes praying the rosary while walking in their neighborhood and they have come to appreciate the richness of the Traditional Latin Mass.
Ron said of the Eucharist how “truly shocking and amazing it is that the Creator of the universe would want to feed his fallen and broken creatures so intimately.”
The Zapka’s now recognize the deep spousal relationship the Lord desires of us. And even though they said no to life in their marriage they now hope in some small way to become spiritual parents by sharing their understanding of the totality of the commitment and surrender that the Lord asks of us.
“And hopefully,” Ron said, “this will bring some of us to understand the unfathomable depth of the relationship that our Lord offers us and desires from us. I pray that each one of us will accept our Lord’s invitation to grow closer to Him.”
The 2026 Return to Tradition Women’s Conference is scheduled for September 25-26, 2026.
