It was a perfect spring morning, sunshine, daffodils and birdsong. A&E was busy at 6:30am; worried faces staring blankly into the distance, a nurse disinfecting seats and reminding everyone to wear a mask. I knew it was bad news when Bradley was told to “bring your wife” as we were called back in following a scan. I didn’t hear anything beyond “cancer … pancreas and liver…”. We crept back out into the sunlit waiting area, clinging to each other. He had a few months left, maybe three. Our world had been shattered in an instant. I’ll never forget that day, March 26, 2022.
Numbness gave way to tears; tears gave way to screaming. But I soon toughened up. Devastating news became a regular occurrence as the cancer progressed – repeat bowel obstructions, emergency stoma surgery, neutropenic sepsis. We learned to face everything pragmatically, reacting unemotionally when told he could die within 48 hours. I knew this was abnormal. We’d had to adapt quickly to the shadow of death, constant fear, anticipatory grief. It was a coping strategy.
Bradley was given three months. More than half of people with pancreatic cancer die within this timeframe, making it the deadliest common cancer. He was determined to live for as long as possible, and that meant digging deeper every time we hit rock bottom and being proactive.
We said yes to every offer of help. Bradley had counselling at our local hospice and benefited from a weekly ‘walk and talk’ from a wellbeing coach at our GP practice. The opportunity to unburden himself to someone other than me helped enormously.
I joined Circles, a free support service run by the charity Pancreatic Cancer UK. It’s a community of WhatsApp and Facebook groups where you can talk to other people who just get it. There I found comfort in connecting with people who were living through this nightmare too.
We spoke to Pancreatic Cancer UK’s specialist nurses ahead of every oncology appointment; their expert advice helped us to feel prepared. I joined the online Mobilise carers community and met other people who’d spent years looking after loved ones. I contacted my local carer support organisation, which kindly offered me a small respite grant.
Bradley defied expectations and lived for three years. The support we received had a huge impact. Every cancer patient should have a holistic needs assessment and access to emotional support. For those with a terminal diagnosis like Bradley, it can enable someone to make the best of a devastating situation and live well to the end of life. This is why I’m supporting the Daily Express’s Cancer Care campaign.
Oncologists at Stanford Medical School have recognised that patients with a more proactive, positive attitude can have better outcomes. I know as a former NHS mental health worker, the resources are not currently there to address this. Hospices, Maggie’s centres, and charities like Pancreatic Cancer UK help to meet this need but face huge challenges in funding. Change is urgently needed.
At the end, we had to shift our focus from relentlessly pursuing treatment options, to preparing for a good death. Our local hospice was instrumental, providing clinical, emotional and spiritual support.
I was surprisingly calm, because I understood what was happening. I’d attended a Pancreatic Cancer UK webinar on end-of-life care which helped me face Bradley’s last 24 hours with courage. I was able to focus on just being with him as he slowly slipped away.
I thought I would leave Circles after his death earlier this year, but found I could not sit back when so many others’ lives had just been shattered by this devastating diagnosis. There are around 10,500 new cases of the disease annually across the UK. I have remained an active member, though it’s not a bereavement support service.
I am using our experience to offer hope, comfort and advice to those who are only just starting out on this difficult and painful journey. I have emerged from this experience more confident in my own ability to cope with adversity; I could not have done this alone. If you are finding your way along this dark path, please know that a whole community is out there waiting to support you.
Anyone affected by pancreatic cancer can join Pancreatic Cancer UK Circles through the charity’s website: www.pancreaticcancer.org.uk/circles
