(LifeSiteNews) — As an only child, it falls on me to take care of my parents as they grow older. Some may think of this as a burden, but I consider it a blessing. Throughout my life, my parents have lovingly supported me – emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually – and it will be an honor to return that gift. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard, and that’s okay. I choose to take care of them with as much love as they have always taken care of me.
As children, we are called to honor our mothers and fathers, and this command doesn’t cease to exist when we all become older. In fact, especially when it comes to caring for them when they can no longer adequately care for themselves, the command becomes even greater.
In his most recent book, entitled Unshakeable, Fr. Mike Schmitz writes, “Love is simple. How do the people around you know that you love them? You can sum it up in . . . three short words that convey to another person how important they are in your life. . . . ‘Here I am.’”
Here I am. This simple phrase is often so difficult for people to utter and to actually mean, especially in today’s society, where the elderly are seen as disposable, as burdens, or as annoyances.
We must take care of the elderly with immense love, never hastening their death, and giving them the respect and honor they deserve. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that “the family should live in such a way that its members learn to care and take responsibility for the young, the old, the sick, the handicapped, and the poor.”
But our society doesn’t look upon the elderly this way. When we treat the elderly as people who can just be disposed of because they are older, we reject the gift of their lives and we deny ourselves and the world the gift of their very selves.
Louis DeCuir, a senior wealth manager with a firm in Virginia, understands this all too well, as he lost his mother Norma after what he deemed inadequate care and negligence.
Louis explained that, in September of 2022, his 90-year-old mother, who was suffering from dementia and who had been living in the independent care wing of a senior living facility, fell and broke her hip. At the hospital, doctors ordered an abdominal CT scan and found a possible malignant tumor on her bladder. They referred her to a urologic oncologist. However, Norma’s medical power of attorney, who was Louis’ sister, decided to forgo making an appointment. Louis explained that she told the hospital staff that her “goal was palliative care rather than curative.”
Louis said that over the next six months, Norma began experiencing symptoms, including blood in her urine, that could have been associated with bladder cancer. In March 2023, Norma suffered acute lung failure and a heart attack. She was taken to the ER of a different hospital, where they found that she had adenocarcinoma of the lung. Again, she was referred to an oncologist, and again Louis’ sister said no to the appointment. Norma went into hospice and died in April.
Louis wants his story widely told because, as he explained, this only happened “because of her age” and because her medical advocate and doctors no longer felt compelled to take measures to protect her life. As he stated, “The lesson is, if you’re 90 years old, and you have a life-threatening medical condition … no one cares.”
Hoping for some recourse and wanting to warn other families about the dangers that lurk for the elderly, he contacted the Houston Police Department, which opened a file but did nothing. He also contacted various patient advocacy groups, including HALO – the Healthcare Advocacy and Leadership Organization. HALO exists to help families navigate end-of-life crises. But because Norma had already died, they could only offer referrals to other organizations.
Louis said that, after recently pouring over more than 3,000 pages of medical documents, he now knows that, toward the end of his mother’s life, she suffered, as her untreated health problems intensified. His tale is a sad one because he believes his mother was taken too soon. The rejection of the oncology appointments leaves him with questions about what could have been and about any possible treatments that could have prolonged his mother’s life and possibly reduced her pain.
Louis now honors her memory by telling his story to others who may be faced with the same types of medical decisions. He cautions people to choose a good medical advocate who will adhere to their wishes toward the end of life and who will act in their best interest.
He also hopes that people will learn this truth from his experience: All people, regardless of age or ability, have value, and life should never be taken prematurely. Furthermore, every sick person deserves a chance for treatment and the choice about whether that treatment would be considered ordinary or extraordinary. But, as Louis said, his mother never had the chance to determine a course of treatment, if any, because her medical advocate refused to send her to an oncologist for further testing.
This happens all too often, and as HALO vice president Julie Grimstad wrote:
Pressure to stop life-sustaining treatment comes in many forms. Families are enticed to admit loved ones to hospice by being told that they can keep patients “comfortable,” when, in actuality, they are killing patients with overdoses of analgesics and sedatives and/or starving and dehydrating them to death or denying them their usual medications (insulin, blood pressure meds, etc.). They convince families that life-saving and life-sustaining treatments are useless by calling patients “vegetables” or saying that caring for them is “futile” simply because the healthcare providers deem the person’s life to be “not worth living” or not worth the cost of the care required.
Compassionate care is never futile, and no human being is ever dispensable. The elderly in our society deserve our care, our respect, our attention, and our love. And they deserve to hear those three words from loved ones: “Here I am.”
Here I am to make your last days comfortable and filled with as much joy as possible, never hastening your death. Here I am to care for you. Here I am to love you.
Susan Ciancio is a graduate of the University of Notre Dame and has worked as a writer and editor since 2003; nearly 17 of those years have been in the pro-life sector. Currently, she is the editor of American Life League’s Celebrate Life Magazine—the nation’s premier Catholic pro-life magazine. She is also the director and executive editor of ALL’s Culture of Life Studies Program—a pre-K-12 Catholic pro-life education organization.
