(LifeSiteNews) — In a world driven by the pursuit of personal peace and prosperity, the elderly and disabled often get left behind. In honor of Mother’s Day and this month’s upcoming Dementia Awareness Week, I would like to share some practical tips from our family’s experience in caring for my elderly mother who has dementia.
My husband and I view caring for our elderly parents as a sacred duty, but we realize this labor of love will be different in every case. My father was a double amputee and required nursing home care. My father-in-law was able to live independently with our help. And for nearly twelve years, we have been taking care of my mother in our home as her dementia worsens. So, understanding that there is no “one size fits all” solution, here are some things we have found helpful as my mom’s caregivers.
First, caring for someone with dementia is not a one-person job. Especially as symptoms progress and your loved one cannot be left alone, there will need to be at least two if not more people involved. In our case, my husband and I are Mom’s primary caregivers, along with help from family members who have given us breaks over the years. Providing for a disabled adult is rewarding, but it can be emotionally and physically taxing. You need someone to have your back. Caring for my mom has actually drawn my husband and me closer together as we watch over each other as well as my mom. When one of us starts getting overwhelmed, the other is there to take over.
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Developing a trusting relationship with Mom early on was a key part of our long-term success. When my mom first arrived, we established a routine that she could depend upon – the unexpected is scary for someone with a bad memory. We made an effort to explain things slowly and repeatedly, using post-it notes as helpful reminders. It helps to remember how many times Mom told me the exact same thing over and over when I was growing up!
A daily routine also helps everyone get a good night’s sleep. As Mom gets older, she likes to sleep in sometimes, so we have found that Swiss muesli is a good breakfast choice: it’s good served hot, but if she sleeps in, it’s also good cold. That way I can leave her breakfast out for her and get other chores done. Also, as her dementia has progressed, she has become more easily daunted by having to cut meat or use a soup spoon and will just give up, saying “I’m not hungry.” So, for lunch, we give her finger foods: things like sandwiches, fruit, carrots, and of course, cookies! We try to sit down together for supper, and I like to prepare her plate ahead of time with everything cut and buttered – that way she doesn’t have to feel like I am babying her by cutting her food at the table in front of everyone.
After supper, one of us (usually my husband) watches television with her, or helps her do a puzzle or play a simple card game. Then I help her get ready for bed, using the same routine of pills, nightgown, glass of water and leaving the bathroom night light on each evening. She always asks me if I have to drive very far to get home and is always happy to hear that I live in the same building! Even when she doesn’t remember my name, she remains motherly, loving, and caring.
Medication has been helpful in reducing my mom’s anxiety. She uses an antidepressant and has been much less anxious with the use of a dementia drug called rivastigmine. Every person’s response to medication will be different, and we have tried other prescriptions that were not as helpful. We are so grateful that her doctors have been willing to work with us in finding drugs that help and are well-tolerated. Medication is not the whole solution for her anxiety however. Mom picks up on our demeanor and moods, so we make an effort to provide lots of smiles and reassurance when we interact with her throughout the day.
Taking care of an elderly parent means that you will be spending plenty of time at home, so it’s a good idea to find things you enjoy doing around the house. I recommend finding new things to learn and master. After all, if your parent has dementia, you need to do what you can to keep your own brain flexible! For example, since my mom is Swiss and it comforts her to hear her mother tongue, I have been using an online program to brush up my college German. And since I have always wanted to learn to play the piano, I started taking piano lessons.
It’s a lot of work caring for an aging parent, but the benefits outweigh the investment. My sister-in-law put it this way, “You have all the work, but in the end, you are the lucky ones: you have all the memories!” For those difficult moments (such as cleaning up a toileting mistake) it helps me to remember that whatever we do “for the least of these” is the same as doing it for Our Lord Himself. And after all, my mom did a lot of dirty jobs for me when I was small.
We just celebrated my mom’s 88th birthday, and her joy at seeing her children and grandchildren was priceless. With an increasing number of voices promoting physician-assisted death as a means of avoiding advanced dementia, we need to let our elderly family members know that they are valuable and cherished. As a wise mentor of mine used to say: “You are not a burden; you make our lives richer!”
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Heidi Klessig MD is a retired anesthesiologist and pain management specialist who writes and speaks on the ethics of organ harvesting and transplantation. She is the author of “The Brain Death Fallacy” and her work may be found at respectforhumanlife.com.
