Anyone who is familiar with my opinion pieces knows how much I love this country. I proudly served in the U.S. Navy and would do anything for our nation.
Thanks to a combination of work and vacation, I recently found myself traveling outside of the United States for seven of the past eight weeks. These trips have only served to reinforce why I believe America is the greatest country in the history of the world and will continue to reign over the rest of the world for the foreseeable future.
First of all, we have the best toilet paper in the history of mankind. I don’t know what kind of sadists designed the toilet paper in places like China, Germany, or France, but they did so with pain and suffering in mind. Who thought that sandpaper was a good idea for cleaning down there? When I am master of the universe, Charmin Ultra Soft or Quilted Northern Ultra Plush will be required in every bathroom both far and wide.
And while we are in the bathroom, what is the deal with European showers and the half glass shower curtain? All that does is focus the water into a specific spot on the floor, creating puddles and leaks. Not good.
Next, let’s discuss air conditioning. In Europe, if there is air conditioning, it is just there to trick you into thinking that, eventually, your hotel room will cool off. Nope. You can try to adjust the temperature and the fan speed, but it is only there for aesthetic value. Even China understands air conditioning. Let’s go, European Union — it’s cool to be cool.
Speaking of cooling things down, why can’t I get a drink with the proper amount of ice in it anywhere in the world, other than the United States? Ask a waiter in Paris, Hanoi, or Mexico City for a drink with ice, and you will get a hot drink with one ice cube, which is 90% melted before it reaches you. Please bring me a cold drink, with ice, with a side of ice.
Lastly, I cannot believe how long it takes to check into and out of international hotels. I understand they need to make a copy of my passport, but last I checked, that takes like, oh, I don’t know, ten seconds, and that is if you don’t know what you are doing. Why the ten-to-fifteen-minute marathon to check in? Checking out? Forget about it. Why do you need my credit card again, if you ran it just two days ago? Why can’t I simply leave like I do in the States, and get my bill emailed to me the same day?
Now, before you accuse me of being an American apologist, there are a number of things we would do well to steal from our friends overseas.
First, I say we implement the American Autobahn. We need to do some work first, because it wouldn’t work today. Too many Americans pass on the right-hand side, drive slowly in the left lane, with the blinker on, or simply do not pay attention. Let’s implement punitive fines on these people so they can’t drive any longer and those of us who can follow the rules can tool along at 125 miles per hour.
Next, let’s end tipping. I don’t have to tip in Asia, South America, Africa, or Europe. Why do I have to give a neck-tattooed, lip-pierced, failed gender studies major 25% of my dinner bill just for doing his job? Heck, in Chicago, I am even asked by the self-check-out machine at my local grocery store if I want to leave a tip. No more tipping (and we can still support no tax on tips).
Finally, perhaps it is time for hotels in the United States to embrace the customs of European, South American, and Asian hotel lounges – provide free dinner and drinks for elite travelers. Why is it that in Shanghai, I can drink free Johnny Walker Black while eating potstickers and dumplings, but in the States, a glass of wine in the lounge costs me $17.00?
America, as we prepare for our 250th birthday in 2026, we have a lot of work to do. But we are still the best damn country on the planet – no one else is even close.
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Jim Nelles is a Navy veteran and supply chain consultant based in Chicago. His articles have appeared in the Washington Examiner, Newsweek, Foxnews.com, and The Daily Wire. He has served as a chief procurement officer, chief supply chain officer, and chief operations officer for multiple companies.
The views expressed in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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