It has never been harder to persuade people. Here are some tips

Persuasion is a controversial topic in today’s world. Some worry that it can easily slide into manipulation. Others are against imposing our ideas on others in a domineering way. These concerns are valid.

Many of us also have personal hesitations about persuasiveness because of our background or personality. Perhaps we don’t want to appear argumentative, so we feel hesitant about really pressing a point. In the midst of a disagreement, we may feel an internal pressure to yield too quickly.

We can stack up many valid concerns about persuasion done badly. But we should not devalue persuasiveness itself. We can easily imagine scenarios where persuasion is absolutely critical: helping a friend who is considering suicide or attempting to encourage someone away from a hateful ideology. No one would say that persuasion is bad in those cases. The truth is that done rightly, persuasion is an act of love.

Get Our Latest News for FREE

Subscribe to get daily/weekly email with the top stories (plus special offers!) from The Christian Post. Be the first to know.

If we care about people, we should want to encourage them toward truth and wisdom. Even when no one changes their mind, attempts at persuasion help us understand one another better. Think of it like this: God has given you unique insights and experiences, and if you don’t share them, you may be depriving others around you of what God wants to teach them through you.

Valuing persuasion is biblical. Proverbs portrays persuasive speech as part of wisdom: “The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips” (Proverbs 16:23). The apostle Paul provides a good model of persuasive speech when he is on trial at the end of the book of Acts. His speeches to various civil authorities are filled with diplomacy, tact, firmness, and force:

“Knowing that for many years you have been a judge over this nation, I cheerfully make my defense” (Acts 24:10, to Governor Felix).

“I consider myself fortunate that it is before you, King Agrippa, I am going to make my defense today against all the accusations of the Jews, especially because you are familiar with all the customs and controversies of the Jews. Therefore, I beg you to listen to me patiently” (26:2-3, to King Agrippa).

“But Paul said, ‘I am not out of my mind, most excellent Festus, but I am speaking true and rational words’” (v. 25, when interrupted by Festus).

It’s hard to dismiss someone who speaks cheerfully, respectfully, and reasonably, as Paul does here. This is a good way to think about what happens when you are persuasive; it makes it harder for people to dismiss you.

Persuasion is difficult

But persuasiveness is also difficult. It has never been harder to persuade people! I read an article recently in The New Yorker called, “Why Facts Don’t Change Our Minds.” It references studies conducted at Stanford University in the 1970s, documenting how hard it is for people to change their minds once they have formed an opinion. The point was to show that even when their beliefs are refuted by facts and evidence, people often refuse to revise them. The article commented:

“Coming from a group of academics in the 1970s, the contention that people can’t think straight was shocking. It isn’t any longer. Thousands of subsequent experiments have confirmed (and elaborated on) this finding … any graduate student with a clipboard can demonstrate that reasonable-seeming people are often totally irrational.”

Most of us don’t find this difficult to understand, especially as we observe the impact of social media and cable news throughout our society. If we are honest, perhaps we can even see this tendency in ourselves at times.

The truth is that mere facts and information often fail to move people. Yet when we are in a disagreement, we often forget this, relying on sheer force of argument, oblivious to helpful ways to persuade people and the broader sociology of how people actually change their minds. The result is like a head-on collision: it’s painful and unproductive.

Learning some simple principles of persuasion can dramatically help us influence those around us — even those who are seemingly stuck in their opinions.

Build trust

In ancient Greek rhetoric, the skill of persuasion was often broken down into three categories:

• Logos referred to the content of the speech; it’s how the speaker uses logic to influence listeners.
• Pathos referred to the speaker’s passion and appeal to feelings; it’s how the speaker uses emotion to influence listeners.
• Ethos referred to the speaker’s credibility; it’s how the overall trustworthiness of the speaker influences listeners.

Obviously, all three are important. But which would you guess is most persuasive? Perhaps surprisingly, the answer is ethos. We often assume that what we say is how we will move others. We think, in effect, “If my argument is sound, they will have to agree with it!” Or perhaps we assume that speaking well and with passion is what will win them. But the biggest ingredient in an act of persuasion is simpler: does the listener trust the speaker? And especially: does the listener feel that the speaker cares for their welfare?

Trust is absolutely essential in any act of communication. If the other person does not trust us, they will have their defenses up, and very rarely can brilliant logic or powerful emotion break through such defenses. It’s simply not how we are wired. Just think of yourself — when was the last time you were persuaded by the argument of a person you distrusted?

Obviously, we cannot completely control whether others trust us. But we can do everything within our power not to give people reasons to distrust us. We can aim to speak sincerely, mindful of God, in the way that Paul describes his ministry: “As men of sincerity, as commissioned by God, in the sight of God we speak in Christ” (2 Corinthians 2:17). It’s also sometimes possible to win back trust that has been lost. How can we do this?

1. Be willing to apologize and own mistakes or errors. Even simple admissions like “Oh, I see — I misunderstood” convey goodwill and honesty. If you never apologize, you may be giving the other person reason to wonder whether you care about being right more than finding the truth. Even a slight suspicion of this damages trust.

2. Be appropriately candid about your aims in the disagreement. It’s okay to have a goal in the conversation, but trust is diminished when the other party senses an agenda that is lurking under the surface rather than transparent. Sometimes it even helps to lay out your values or desires, saying something like “What I really hope to convince you of is…”

3. Be careful not to gossip about the person or triangulate them by bringing in a third party. Speak with them directly — ideally, face to face. A phone call or Zoom meeting might be a necessary backup for some conversations, but written communication should generally be avoided because it is much less personal.

4. State your feelings. Be human. Be honest and free and relaxed, as much as you can. As appropriate, provide the other party with information about your background, your experiences, and your feelings about the topic. This requires vulnerability because you are making your subjectivity visible rather than relying on impersonal logic alone. Vulnerability breeds trust. It’s astonishing how frequently you can win people over with a loving, sincere, transparent expression of the values that determine your thinking.

5. Have an open and loving heart toward the other person. There is simply no shortcut around this. People will be able to tell, sooner or later, whether your attitude toward them is sincere or sour. Ultimately, the only way to appear trustworthy is simply to be trustworthy. Therefore, the most important way to persuade others is to have purity of heart and a transparent integrity.

Originally published at The Worldview Bulletin Newsletter.