We have, in this recess of the United States Senate, been gifted an extraordinary vision of perfection, the apex example of a social phenomenon long observed but rarely embodied with such an apotheosis of type: The Sad Childless Disney Adult, as embodied in the person of one Lindsey Graham.
The longtime strongman ruler of South Carolina politics — peace be upon him — decided upon dismissal from the swamps of D.C. and the uncomfortable couches of many a green room to take respite from long days of agitating for wars and causing international kerfuffles to indulge in the joys of what is, for his money, the best kingdom of them all, the Magic one, where birds sing, princesses flit, and bubble wands can be purchased on every corner. Make sure you get the ones that let you replace the batteries — you don’t want them to run out when you take them home.
(They have not yet committed to sending arms to battle the Houthis, but he has a co-del meeting with Buzz Lightyear later to run that down.)
The things you must know about navigating Disney as a childless adult is that you are their ideal customer: trapped by nostalgia, burdened with a crippling lack of childhood maturation, and desperate for figures who can fill the obvious and manifold emotional gaps in your life. So, in the absence of the figures who contribute to a healthy life, one turns to that old comfortable friend, the fellow with an ear to lend and a “ha HA!” to give: M-I-C, K-E-Y — he’s always there for you with a hug and a waffle shaped like his head. No judgment here, just a land where wishes come true.
Credit: TMZ
The other thing you must know is that you have to download the app to skip the lines, because damn if those “affordability” people don’t have a point about how much it costs to be a dedicated Disney adult in the land of lines and upsells. Though, in fairness, the filet mignon at Cinderella’s Royal Table is the best steak you’ll ever have. And don’t sleep on the Floating Island, it has strawberry meringue. Delectable!
You’re in cycle? There’s a co-del? There’s a primary? Who cares, that’s not important. This is a personal wellness journey, holding space for the future we are manifesting. The problems of tomorrow disappear when you’re in this special place. Oh look, it’s Space Mountain! We went to space, we’ll do it again — we’re America, dammit.
People complain too much. Iran is fine. TSA will get paid. Gas prices are a distraction. The important thing is there is a live performance coming up soon, and picking between which character you want a selfie with is always the hardest part. Wish Lindsey luck!
