Democrats and other misprints in the Book of Life are celebrating a rare victory after a weekend of “No Kings” protests resulted in there being no American kings.
The Democrat comeback ended a frustrating period of months in which party officials sought for some way to convince the American electorate that they were not just hollow glove puppets being manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis, while still remaining true to their goal of being hollow glove puppets manipulated by the sinister unseen hands of Communists and jihadis.
The turnaround came after Chairman of the Democrat National Committee, Abaddon Pazuzu, delivered a rousing and inspiring speech to the golden statue of a goat-headed god, saying, “Oh Lord of Darkness, come to our aid so that we may know we haven’t traded away our souls in vain. We have sought to win back the love of the American people by setting their cities on fire, interfering with their law enforcement officers in the rightful performance of their duties, mutilating their children, persecuting their politicians, silencing their opinions, dividing them into hostile camps according to their various races, and shutting their churches and synagogues while simultaneously cheering on acts of Islamist terror so horrifying in their apocalyptic evil we thought they’d be sure to win at least as loyal a following as Nancy Pelosi. And yet somehow, nothing we’ve done has managed to recapture the affection of the nation we’re trying so desperately to destroy. Guide our steps to success, oh unholy one, so that we might raise our approval ratings, which are in double digits only when expressed as fractions.”
Shortly after this address, the DNC staged the nationwide “No Kings” protests, which were so successful even the protesters themselves were amazed. As one 80-year-old wearing the rags of what used to be a Woodstock t-shirt wrote in his leatherette-bound diary, “I was beginning to worry I had wasted my life supporting delusional policies that promised utopia but instead turned everything they touched to crap. But now, in a single weekend, our protests managed to reduce Donald Trump from a mighty king to nothing but the President of the United States, leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of the most lethal fighting force on earth. I feel my dreams have become a reality for the first time since we put an end to all wars by ushering in the Age of Aquarius.”
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Left-Wing Activist Bruce Flapjaw, president of the Enlightened Institute of Endemic Imaginary Outrages — or E-I-E-I-O — celebrated the victory with a jubilant press release, saying “With the geriatric Trump forming a far-right monarchy in network newscasts and other fantasies, we were able to mobilize thousands of know-nothing political quacks, geriatric white women in mu-mus, and ivy league educated dumb-clucks until, with a mu-mu here and a mu-mu there, here a quack, there a quack, everywhere a dumb-cluck, old man Donald’s far-right form was expelled by the E-I-E-I-O.”
The Democrats mean to follow up their triumph later in the summer with a nationwide series of “No Alchemist” protests, pledging that they will not relent until they have rid the nation of every long-bearded man in a conical starry cap who is trying to turn lead into gold.
Excited by the success of the Democrats in expelling the kings from the U.S., Right-Wing anti-semites plan to follow suit, staging their own protests against imaginary outrages by declaring they will not die for Israel. The Groypers say they plan to illustrate their protest signs with pictures of doughty Christian knights to show what a brave and noble thing it is not to do what no one is asking them to do but what they would eventually have to do if the Jews weren’t currently doing it for them. After the “I Will Not Die for Israel” marches, the Groypers plan to gather to celebrate the triumphant fact that not one of them has died for Israel, marking the accomplishment by unleashing a barrage of social media posts, spelling the word Jew with two o’s to proclaim to all the world that they don’t know how to spell the word Jew.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A Woman Underground.” His most recent nonfiction release is “The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).
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