Last week, I commented on the Apostle Paul’s command to Christian husbands “to love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” (Eph. 5:25) in my column, “Doug Wilson’s view on Christian marriage is blasphemous.”
Numerous readers have requested that I expand commentary on the meaning of that comprehensive apostolic instruction.
God considered the institution of marriage to be so sacred and special that He used it as an analogy to describe His relationship with His Chosen People (Israel) and Christ’s relationship with His Bride (the Church).
As the Apostle Paul noted, Jesus died for the Church, giving Himself as a sacrifice that He might redeem humankind. What higher sacrifice can one make than to give his life for another? Husbands are to give themselves in service to their wives, including, if necessary, the sacrifice of their lives.
The husband is to “so love his wife even as himself” (Eph. 5:33). The Apostle Paul amplified these instructions using the word agape, which is morally the highest form of love, in that it is “an in spite of kind of love” that endures all and forgives all. Just as Jesus loved each of us while we were still sinners in rebellion against Him (For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life,” Rom. 5:10).
In fact, agape love is identified as a fruit of the Holy Spirit in one’s life (Galatians 5:22). It is not “natural” to fallen man to love with agape love. Only the redeemed who have the Holy Spirit abiding in them as a consequence of the new birth have the capacity for the agape love with which Christian husbands are commanded to love their wives.
The Apostle Paul has also left the church a divinely inspired essay on the meaning of agape love (I Cor. 13:4-13). Agape love is not selfish or self-centered, is not given to anger, and is not arrogant or haughty. Based on that definition, one cannot imagine a Christian husband telling his wife, “submit, because God put me in charge,” or “be quiet, I’ll tell you what to do because God said I was in control.”
The Christian husband driven by agape love is patient and is always seeking his wife’s “good” and agape love is forever and “never faileth” (I Cor. 13:8), which means the agape love husband will never leave.
The Christian husband should seek to study his wife, seeking to understand her and to meet her particular needs, which will vary from person to person. The husband who loves his wife the way Christ loved the church will end up not doing some things he would like to do. (This might involve not playing golf or hunting and fishing quite as much.) Loving his wife with agape love also means he may do some things he doesn’t want to do (spending vacation time with in-laws or attending a home decorating show.)
In my marriage, loving my wife the way Christ loved the church means, among other things, driving my car at significantly lower speeds than I otherwise would do. Why? Because it makes her nervous for me to drive close to the speed limit. So I don’t do it, even though it increases the driving time and causes many people to pass me on the Interstate. When my wife is with me, I spend almost all our time in the right lane. She doesn’t nag me; she just reminds me that it makes her very nervous to drive faster. Dwelling with her according to understanding, I slow down and I don’t act “put out” or exasperated.
Incidentally, wives will also do some things they don’t want to do in submitting to their husbands. My wife spends more time watching football and baseball than she desires because they’re important to me, her husband, and she wants to spend time with me.
Spouses, through honest but with kindness sharing of feelings, increase the level of understanding between them, which is genuinely rewarding and adds to the marriage’s intimacy.
For example, my wife and I were in a department store many years ago, and I particularly liked a sports coat. I asked if they had it in my size (they did), and I said I would buy it. My wife (who by nature is far more frugal than I am) waited until the salesman was out of earshot, then said, “I can’t believe you didn’t ask him how much it cost.”
I replied, “Unlike you, I was raised in a family where we always had to ask, ‘how much does it cost?’ or, ‘can we afford it?’ One of the reasons I work as hard as I do is that if I want something or you and the children want something, I don’t always have to ask, ‘how much does it cost?’ or ‘can we afford it?’” My wife replied, “I accept that, sweetheart.”
We balance each other on this and many other issues. It is amazing how often God puts together opposites to do that. For example, I am a “stasher,” and she is a “chucker,” which has led to many discussions.
And by the way, it has been my experience and observation that when you have a child with your spouse, it grows your love for your partner in delightful and indescribable ways.
It is not good for man or woman to be alone. Thank God He gave us marriage. It may be the supreme gift after salvation. I have been married 54 years, and I recommend it unreservedly for Christian men and Christian women. It is a blessing beyond adequate description when lived under Christian standards.
Dr. Richard Land, BA (Princeton, magna cum laude); D.Phil. (Oxford); Th.M (New Orleans Seminary). Dr. Land served as President of Southern Evangelical Seminary from July 2013 until July 2021. Upon his retirement, he was honored as President Emeritus and he continues to serve as an Adjunct Professor of Theology & Ethics. Dr. Land previously served as President of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission (1988-2013) where he was also honored as President Emeritus upon his retirement. Dr. Land has also served as an Executive Editor and columnist for The Christian Post since 2011.
Dr. Land explores many timely and critical topics in his daily radio feature, “Bringing Every Thought Captive,” and in his weekly column for CP.
